When This...................................

Once upon a time, there was a lowly grocery cart.  We shall call him Stanley.  He was a lovely cart, but was so unhappy that he ran away from home to see if he could make something better out of his life.........

As he was wheeling along, he came to a street corner.  A scary man in a long trench coat yelled out, "hey you, grocery cart, do I have just the thing for you".  

Stanley was intrigued.  He moved closer to the man, when all of the sudden, he was thrown into the back of a van, and whisked away, in the company of other wishful grocery carts.

When next he awoke, he felt different.  The doctor came into the room and asked how he was feeling.  He was told that there had been a horrible accident, and that they had to do some reconstructive surgery.  

Stanley was shocked.  He asked for a mirror to see what they had done.  When he looked at himself in the mirror, he saw

 this.........

 The doctor began a chilling maniacal laugh.  Bolts of lightning came into the room.  Stanley was so afraid he tried to run.  But his movement was different.

"My name is Doctor Sadist.  I have used my incredible powers to bring pain and suffering upon the sick and afflicted across the land".  

And so began Stanley's new life.  Doctor Sadist had promised many unsuspecting hospitals the cost benefit of his new and improved wheelchair.  In their never ending search for making more profits for their CEO's, the hospitals bought them in droves.   No thought as to how the cold, caged steel would feel upon the weary bodies of those forced required to use them.  

*this is a story by Dazee Dreamer.  no grocery carts where injured in the process of this story*

A Very Serious Post..........Snicker........Snort

You know.....It's kind of scary when my brain gets thinking.  At least, that's what my family tells me.  

When God or The Big Bang happened (covering both of sides here) and the earth and humans were created, I can tell there was a man involved.  Lets go over a few things that will happen when I wave my magic wand and create the best world EVER!!

Periods

One day total max.  No pain, maybe just push it out all at once like pooping.  Yeah, that's a great idea.  All in favor????

Done Having Babies.....No More Periods

There will be a special placed switch or button, or heck, brain control, that will tell your body, we are done procreating, I don't need you anymore.   

Women's Facial Hair

Won't be any.  Who in the hell came up with this idea?  Oh, right, a man.  I didn't have any facial hair until I started going through menopause.  (TMI all you men followers) There will be a proclamation throughout the inhabitants of the human species, no female facial hair.  There is no reason for this.  Unless as a woman, you like facial hair, then there will be pills made to help you.  

Flies, Spiders and All Creepy Crawlers Not Allowed In Houses

It will be in their DNA coding that if they happen to be born in a house, as in like dead bodies grow them, they will make a mass exodus to the outside.  It will be inbred in them, like the salmons heading back to their birth place.  

Messages on Foreheads

When ever you are talking to people, messages will show up on their foreheads.  Why you ask?   Because, they will lie to you, they will brown nose you, they will cheat you.  I think when they are talking to you, and are going to go tell, lets say your former boss, something like, she hates her job, all of the sudden the message will appear on their head, WILL TELL BOSS ANYTHING YOU SAY.  I think I might have finally figured out who the person was that tells the former boss everything.  So remember Dale asswipe, karma is a bitch, and I will be driving the bus.

If you have any great suggestions for my human race, let me know.

Ok, I must be off, I've got some people to go see.    mwaaaahaaaahaaaa

Why You Really Shouldn't Piss Me Off

Once upon a time, I was a very nice, sweet, innocent girl.  (hey, stop your laughing).  I had thoughts of grandeur, that all people were good and kind.  Then along came El Phatto Matto and my world came tumbling down.  People are not nice.  They have their own agenda's.  They pretty much don't give a rats ass about anyone but themselves.  

After months and months of having dreams nightmares of constantly being told "just kidding, you weren't really fired", I decided I needed to take matters into my own hands.

There are some of you that have mentioned people that you would like me to use my special powers on.  You know who you are.  Your secrets are safe with me.  Just know, when watching the following video, your enemies are included.  

You're Welcome.

Best Cake Ever!!!

I've been thinking.  Oh stop it, I know I get all weird and strange when I think, but try to hang here with me for a minute, or seven.  

There is this song that Mr. Dazee has been playing while he has been painting the dining room.  I've always enjoyed it, but honestly, lately I've been trying to figure out what it all means.  

Take a listen.

Apparently, he baked a cake, took it to the park, gave it someone, who had the gall to leave it out in the rain.  
Then it gets worse,  he doesn't think that he can take it, because it took soooo long to make, and then he must have lost the recipe when he moved, or threw it away when he was done.  What a dork.
Then all of the sudden, the whole darn park is melting.  What the????
I want to know who the dirty rotten person is that left a cake in a park, in the rain.  Honestly, that person needs to be arrested just for not EATING the darn thing.  I've never been able to walk away from a cake.  Well, unless it is Spice, and then I can.  But still, that is just the waste (or waist, teeheehee) of a good cake.  
What do you think it means?
And no, I will not take any answer that says
"He must have been on some good drugs" Because that is a given.

Tis The Season For Doorbell Ditching

This year I have done more Christmas shopping online than any other year.  I know, you are thinking to yourselves, Dazee, what has taken you so long woman?  Well, ummmm, I don't just jump on the bandwagon the first time it pulls up to my door.  Also, this is the first year that I've done sites like Swagbucks, iRazoo and Superpoints,  that let me earn points that I've turned into Amazon Gifts Cards, which turn into presents.  It's been so much fun.

Alas, that's not the reason I'm doing this post.

Nope, I thought I would do a little story about the UPS and Fedex Dudes(ettes).


I think there is a question on the employment applications of those fine companies that goes like this.

35.  As a child, did you doorbell ditch?      ___yes   ___no

I also think that if you answer no to the question, your application is thrown out.

I don't know about you guys, but when I get the notices of when my packages are going to arrive, I get all giddy and excited.  I listen for the doorbell all day long.  (well hell, I'm not working right now).  I track those packages like the ninja warrior that I am.  My favorites words to see:

Out For Delivery


I wait anxiously, and then, the time arrives.

Ding-Dong


I struggle get out of my chair, head for the door, unlock the deadbolt (because you can't be safe enough) and there goes the UPS/Fedex truck driving off.  I know it has only taken me about 10 seconds to get to the door.  They must sprint like crazy.  Or they are Santa Clauses in training.  I have yet to see what they even look like.  Gone are the days that they MUST get your signature.  Which is ok, because if you happen to not be home then you have to make a special trip and we all know that I'm super lazy and don't want to do that.  Big breath.

If you have kids that are into the doorbell ditching thing.  Chin up, they have a fine future in the package delivery world.

You're Welcome

You Know You've Watched Too Many Crime Shows When.....

Unless you have been sleeping under a rock, you all know my love of all shows crime drama.  Criminal Minds (hi boyfriend), L&O SVU, The original L&O, NCIS, Bones, The Closer and on and on and on.

Friday, I came to realize that maybe I have watched one too many.  Witness what was in front of me getting on the freeway to travel home from work.

(again, my bad mad photoshopping skills at use)

(OK, the back wasn't opened either, but I just had to show you what I saw) 

Imagine with me if you will, the left turn arrow, well, turns green.  The vehicle in front of me V.E.R.Y...S.L.O.W.L.Y. makes the turn.  You know, kind of like there was some weight back there.  This of course, brought on a fit of cursing little tiff of "speed up freakoide, we're getting on the freeway".  While I am caressing his bumper, I happen to look in the back window.  I see the "container", thinking not much of it till I spotted the tree air freshener hanging from the container. 

This peeked my thoughts. 

 "Why is there an air freshener hanging on the container? 

O.M.G. I bet there is a dead body in that container! 

I wonder if he chopped the body up into pieces so it would fit? 

 I bet is smells awful in there. 

Wow, he is sure moving slow. 

Why did I speed up around him when I had the chance? 

I can't go slow enough for him to catch up with me! 

I should have gotten his license plate number so I could be ready when the breaking news happens.

I sure hope I don't look too bad on camera when they're interviewing me."

Like I said, one too many crime shows. 

But, what if?