Wednesday, August 28, 2013

When This...................................

Once upon a time, there was a lowly grocery cart.  We shall call him Stanley.  He was a lovely cart, but was so unhappy that he ran away from home to see if he could make something better out of his life.........

As he was wheeling along, he came to a street corner.  A scary man in a long trench coat yelled out, "hey you, grocery cart, do I have just the thing for you".  

Stanley was intrigued.  He moved closer to the man, when all of the sudden, he was thrown into the back of a van, and whisked away, in the company of other wishful grocery carts.

When next he awoke, he felt different.  The doctor came into the room and asked how he was feeling.  He was told that there had been a horrible accident, and that they had to do some reconstructive surgery.  

Stanley was shocked.  He asked for a mirror to see what they had done.  When he looked at himself in the mirror, he saw

 The doctor began a chilling maniacal laugh.  Bolts of lightning came into the room.  Stanley was so afraid he tried to run.  But his movement was different.

"My name is Doctor Sadist.  I have used my incredible powers to bring pain and suffering upon the sick and afflicted across the land".  

And so began Stanley's new life.  Doctor Sadist had promised many unsuspecting hospitals the cost benefit of his new and improved wheelchair.  In their never ending search for making more profits for their CEO's, the hospitals bought them in droves.   No thought as to how the cold, caged steel would feel upon the weary bodies of those forced required to use them.  

*this is a story by Dazee Dreamer.  no grocery carts where injured in the process of this story*

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Where The Heck Have I Been???????

I stay away, I come back, I stay away, I come back.  I'm always keeping you guessing.  Finally I have something more exciting than talking about my job hunting to talk about.

As you might have read here, I ended up in the emergency room in March.  FINALLY, I was able to get in to see a specialist.  Lets count on our fingers how long from March 22, to July 29th is.  April....May.....June.....July.  Yup, that would be four fingers err months.  But whatever.

I went to my appointment and he set me up for a liver biopsy.  Now I've heard good things and bad things about these.  Yesterday was the big day.

I am going to discuss a few things that I found out about myself and hospitals.

First, if you get a awesome staff of nurses, your experience is going to be great.  Mine was.  Even Mr. Dazee mentioned how fun they were.  Nurse number one was assigned to get my IV started.  I happened to mention to him that they usually have a really hard time finding veins or whatever it is they stick into.  I also mentioned the ever loving words that they love to hear, 'THEY ALSO ROLL'.  I think I scared him.  He stuck it in the place that he found after almost having to amputate my arm from the tourniquet.  He stuck the needle in, found the vein, and yes, say it with me, the sucker rolled.  He then did the "lets see if I move the needle a smidge this way, or that way, we will catch it again".  No dice.  Call over to Mr. Nurse that will be going into the procedure with me.  

This guy was hilarious.  I noticed that he had a cool tat on his arm with an eye in the middle of it.  I mentioned that I guess it meant he could always keep an eye on his patients.  I then brought up the fact that when I saw the doctor the week before, when he asked where I got my tattoos, he didn't find it funny when I told him "PRISON".  The eye tattoo nurse said, "hey, that's where I got mine too, that and my education".  hahahahaha.  Ok, maybe you had to be there.  But it was funny.  

Anystickmyarmwithaneedle, he brings with him a portable ultrasound machine.  What the heck?   He needed to look into my arm with the machine to find a suitable vein.  He must have used a hulk size needle, because, well, when he finally got that sucker in, I thought I was going straight to the pain ward.  wow.  I wish the other nurse had found my vein.  He wasn't hurting me.

Female nurse describes to me what the procedure is going to be like.  Something about the needle will be about as big around as the ink thingy in a ball point pen.  I will hear a SNAP, and that is when they have taken a piece of the liver.  They will then pull out a piece that looks like a I need to give you a second to swallow the barf?


So, female nurse continues to tell me all about the drugs they will be shooting into my IV.  One if for pain, one is like Valium, one was something else.  All I remember is her saying something about, it has an agent in it that gives you a temporary amnesia.  What the?  Alright then.

Finally it is time to go into the procedure room.  First thing they do is put the icky nose oxygen thing in my nose.  Those things are buggy.  And I'm not talking about the bugs named boogers.  Then they turn on the oxygen.  I thought that was supposed to be kind of cold.  Oh no, it was warm, as in, WHAT THE HECK warm, made me want to sneeze.  Me no likey.  

The doctor comes in.  They get me ready, The next thing I remember is hearing the S.N.A.P.   They take it over to the petri dish and look at it.  I was scared they were going to have to take another piece.  But alas, they got what they needed.  

It wasn't until last night that I thought, wow, that amnesia thingy really worked.  Because I know I was awake throughout it all, but I have no recollection of them sticking the needle in me.  du-du-du-du.

And that my friends, is what is up in my world.  Coming up next week, endoscopy to see if I have any varicies, little enlarged veins in my throat, which will happen if your liver is enlarged.  

I know, everything you wanted to know about the human body but were afraid to ask.

Carry on.