Friday, October 11, 2013

Sometimes I Wish My Car Horn Was A Train Horn

If you are like me, you have those days, when there must have been a mass message sent out that read

"All Dumb Drivers Must Drive Today"

In order to clear my brain of such nonsensical drivers, let me tell you about a few that I have had the ULTIMATE PLEASURE of witnessing.  

You find yourself sitting at a red light.  There is only one car in front of you.  The light finally turns green.  Oh goodie, the driver has a "standard" car, aka, you have to shift your own gears.  This is always a scary process anyway.  (as you can tell by some of the contestants on The Amazing Race)  You yell obscenities  kindly at the woman that is driving the car to "GO", or in one of Mr. Dazee's favorites sayings say, "the light is green, it's not going to get any greener, even if you fertilize and water it".   That Mr. Dazee, such a hoot.  You can't understand why she is having such a hard time working the gear shift.  Oh wait, what is that?  Why, she has to take a drag off her cigarette before shifting because it is in her shifting hand.  Yup.  Good thing I didn't say hello to your bumper sister.

You are on the freeway.  There is a pick up truck in front of you.  You are travelling at the posted speed limit of 65.  Ok, you are probably going 70, but whose looking.  Mr. "I'm moving down the road, trying to loosen my load", has left his tailgate down.  This is fine and dandy when there is nothing back there.  But when there is a shovel positioned as shown, and a fish tank, full of water, minus the fish, positioned as shown, it is a scary proposition.  This is the conversation going on in my head.  "Hello, insurance company, yeah, ummm, my car was just hit with a flying fish tank and shovel.  No, I'm not drunk".  Thank goodness he didn't take the same exit that I did!!!

You get a craving for McDonalds.  Admit it, you all do.  You get in line to place your order.  There is a stupid lady in front of you.  She places her order.  She pulls a smidgen forward, not quite far enough for you to get to the speaker.  You hear the fine, lovely, person saying, "welcome to McDonalds, blah blah blah".  You see that the clueless person in front of you has their window open.  You start screaming, "move it lady".  She doesn't move.  You start calling her names.  There is clearly no one in front of her.  The workerbee at McDonalds starts telling you she is sorry, she will be with you in a minute.  When you get to the window to pay, you apologize to her.  She starts laughing and says she totally understands.  
(warning, they can hear everything you are saying in their little headphones when you are at the speakers.  So, ummmm, no naughty talk, wink wink)

We are down to being a one car family.  Our car of choice  is a 1991 GMC Safari Mini van.  We have had it for 25 years.  Hey, it still gets us where we are going.  I am sitting at the light.  Mr. Big Shot Driving A New Lexus Sports Car is in the lane next to me.  The light turns green.  The race is on.  Booyah, 25 year old van wins the Lexus.  Take that Mr. Sunday Driver Dude!!!!

Community mailboxes.  Sometimes they are a pain, but you are less likely to have your mail stolen.  Why is this under the dumb driver category?  I'll tell you why.  Because there are some "I'm the only person in the whole wide world" drivers out there.  They park themselves right in front of the mailbox.  Get out, get their mail, see you driving up, SIT THERE AND GO THROUGH THEIR MAIL, couldn't care less if you would like to get yours, and don't move.  Train Horn............oops, what's that smell.......

Last but certainly not least.  The impatient driver at the 3 way stop.  Rules of "all cars must stop before proceeding".  First person there goes, and so on and so on and so on.  I clearly get there first.  I am halfway thru the intersection.  Car pictured above is sooooo impatient that she pulls out in front of me, barely missing my bumper.  Oooohhhh, you did not just do that missy.  I get as close to her as I can, and give her the finger.  Yeah, I did it........ and I did it the WHOLE time I was following her.  I did find it extremely funny that even tho she was in a big freaking hurry she got behind a big ole dump truck.  Whose the winner now??????

Gotta go now.  I've got places to go and people to honk at......