Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Random Thoughts 8.31.10

It's not very safe falling asleep on the toilet

Sneezing while changing lanes can be dangerous

Sneezing with food in your mouth and snot in your nose equals food and snot all over your dinner

If you wear a nice white shirt to work, you will be climbing behind all kinds of dusty stuff since the boys "can't" fix things

Wouldn't it be funny to "start contractions" on labor day

Didn't August just start?

last but certainly not least

Is it time to go home yet?

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Day I Totally Lost It

Once upon a time, in a land far away, oops, wait. That's not how this story goes.

Once upon a time, there was a mom. We shall call her Dazee. Dazee had awesome kids. For her 50th birthday, awesome kids gave their mom a surprise trip for two to San Francisco. She searched the land, long and hard for the right person to take with her. Oh, no she didn't. She took her hubby with her. Duh.

Surprise trip included hotel, airfare, and shuttlebus fare to and from the airport. The two lovebirds loaded the plane and got to the airport. As per the instructions on the shutttlebus coupons, "please call when you land at airport". We call as good little minions should, only to hear. I'm sorry, your shuttle coupon has been cancelled. Few stern words to the person on the other end of the phone, all is well, tell us where to go wait.

La-de-da, all is well in vacationhood. Have our 2 days of sightseeing, eating on the pier, going to Alcatraz, you know, all the things first timers do in good ole San Fran. As per instructions on the coupon, please call 24 hours before departure to confirm your pickup. Call, talk nicely to the customer service person, ask nicely if we can change the pickup time to an earlier time because, well, traffic, airport 45 minutes away, you know, that kind of crap. Sure, we can do that. All is well in vacationhood.

Next morning go on final sightsee, grab our bags, head out to the fine benches in front of the hotel. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Pick up time comes, pick up time goes. Seething, seething, seething. Make another phone call to the shuttlebus company. Dear sir, I say, why haven't we been picked up? What is your name? Dazee Dreamer, said I. Well, ma'am, your pickup times says such-and-such a time. No, I reply, I called the number on the back of the coupon and changed the pick up time. Well ma'am (I don't know about you, but when I start getting called ma'am one too many times, I lose it), you should have called this location directly.

sidebar: Another lovely couple are sitting on another bench not far from ours.

Holy canoly, I say, I don't have YOUR number on this paper anywhere. How am I supposed to know that! Well, your guy is almost there. Take down his fine number, and wait, and wait, and wait. Original pickup times comes and goes. I know what you are thinking. Dazee just sits there sweetly, holding the hand of her love. WRONG. I call said number, and the F word starts flying. Spoken like any fine long haul trucker. Every other word is the F word. I've totally lost it. And I'm screaming at this point. Telling them where they can take their shuttlebus and shove it (shocker, I know). Other couple is wondering if they should call the cops. Hubby is looking at me. Is he mad. No, he is so proud of me. When I get off the phone, he even high fives me. Shuttlebus finally arrives. Driver has been forwarned about crazy lunatic woman waiting. haha

Does this fine story end here. No. we have more pickups to make. First two go without a hitch. And then, the mother of all pickups. Girl is not waiting on the curb, as it so righteously tells us on the coupon. We wait, I'm seething (I know, another shocker). Finally drivers goes to get her. Does she come back with him. NOPE. she wasn't quite ready. My leg starts doing the up and down, she's pissed off as hell move. Finally about 10 minutes later, down comes little miss pomperoy. I'm so sorry, hope you aren't mad.

I feel a hand clamp down on my leg. Look at hubby. He's giving me the whole, don't say a word look. I was staring daggers into the rearview mirror of the driver. Was not a pleasant trip for the other passengers, you could have cut it with a knife.

We got to the airport, FINALLY, with barely enough time to get through all the bull you have to go through. And because we were on Southwest, and because we didn't get there at the crack of dawn, we didn't even get seats by each other. Different rows. Nobody would move.

I wrote a great email to the shuttlebus company and the travel agency. I know, you are again shocked at my bravery. But when I feel like I've been wronged, I just don't let it sit. Besides, it made me feel tons better, and I will from now on, never use the Shuttlebus people. It's either hotel pickup, or taxi. Of course, being the world travelers we are, I don't think that will be happening soon.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Well, What's Your Answer

I know, you were all sitting in anticipation for another Well, What's Your Answer? You were, quit teasing me. Thanks to my pal Renee and my favorite cwauson for helping me to come up with some questions. Remember, if you have a question or more that you would like to have me put on here, and they are off the wall, just email them to me. I will give you a shout out and everything. Cuz that's how I roll.

1. Have you or would you bungee jump, skydive, or drag race on a track?
2. If you and another blog friend could spend a day together, what kind of trouble would you get in to?
3. If you heard/saw your neighbor abusing his wife or children, would you call the authorities?
4. For $1000 bucks would you eat a pigs penis? (thanks Renee)
5. What is one of your "guilty pleasure" TV shows?
1. Have you or would you bungee jump, skydive, or drag race on a track?
I would love to drag race. I'm pretty good at stepping on the gas when the light turns green. Besides, I bet it would be a blast feeling all that power under you. Bungee jumping I would be scared of the bungee breaking, and skydiving I would like to, but probably never will
2. If you and another blog friend could spend a day together, what kind of trouble would you get in to?
Wow, if I were with some of you, we wouldn't get in trouble. We would probably just do lunch or dinner. Others, and you all know who you are, we would be so crazy that we would probably get arrested. Nuff said.
3. If you heard/saw your neighbor abusing his wife or children, would you call the authorities?
I would now. I hate to say it tho, that when my kids were little we lived next door to this family. One day the little girl came over and she had a black eye. I said to her, "oh my goodness, look at your eye", and the first words out of her mouth were "my dad didn't hit me". I look back on that and think I should have called the authorities. I truly believe in gut feelings and I always had the feeling about this guy, even before the black eye.
4. For $1000 bucks would you eat a pigs penis? (thanks Renee)
I would probably have to say yes. It couldn't be that bad, could it? And if I held my nose I probably wouldn't even taste it. People eat rocky mountain oysters, and we all know what they are.
5. What is one of your "guilty pleasure" TV shows?
Right now, it's LA Ink. I know, huh. I just love the "drama" of the workers, love hearing why people are getting their tattoo, and oh my, those tattoo artists on there do some great work. If I could afford it, I would got to LA and visit them for a tat!

There you go. Now please, with ice cream, whipping cream and a cherry on top, link up and let me see your answers.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Show Me Saturday - Fun & Weird Food

Renee's Ramblings

Following Renee at Renee's Ramblings Show Me Saturday again. Today's subject is Fun and Weird Food. Now, I bet you are all wondering, what does Dazee have up her sleeve today. Now really, would I ever just do normal "fun" food. Nope, today I have gone with weird candy. Lets enter the candy store.

Thong Panties. Yup, which pair do you want?

Aah, just what you want your kid eating, shit out of the toilet. The sucker is the "plunger". Alright then.

Keeping in the spirit of all things poop, I now have for you, the Porky Pooper. As you can read in the small print on the bottom right hand corner, "Trots out tasty treats". Uh huh, moving on.

Oh goodie, more poop. I just don't even want to go there on this one.

Yummy, lets grab our Q-Tip and eat some ear wax, shall we.

Speaking of body fluids we all want to eat. Here kids, eat some boogers.

And last, for the cannabal in all of us, Eat the Laughing Baby. This one is so sick and wrong, I just don't even have words

Please pay at the register and enjoy

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Friday Flip-Offs 8.27.10

Can I just say that this week has been kind of good, and I really didn't have a lot to complain about until today. But I will get to that. Big shout-out to Gigi at Kludgy Mom for being able to get them off my chest.

To Mother Nature. I know, I've flipped you off before but really. Tuesday you taunted us with 70 degree weather. Not to hot, not to cold, in the words of Little Red Riding Hood, just right. How nice of you to give us 100 degree weather the next day. Honestly, my body can not handle the constant change in temp. I'm begging you, get over the hot flashes already. So until you do, take this and put it where the sun don't shine. hehehe, sun, not shining or heating me up, ok, shutting up.................

To Walmarts produce department. What the hell is the deal with not being able to find the bags to put our produce in? Is there a shortage? If I'm looking at getting some oranges and they are 2 aisles over from where the bags are, that is not right. There needs to be bags everywhere. Its like playing Where's Waldo in the produce section. Here ya go, produce department take this flip, with a little side note to your coffee buyer for not stocking the shelves with White Chocolate Carmel Cappichino and asking ME to provide you with the UPC code. WTH. You both suck...............................

Double Flip of the week goes to Scary Guy at work. I know, he's taken the wrap on some of my workmares, but today took the cake. So Scary Guy, FLIP THE F OFF. I asked you the other day to kindly not ignore me when I page you to the phone. Yet you continue to ignore me. I walk over to the fax room, which just happens to be by your little cubicle. The phone is ringing, you are sitting there, staring off into space and the phone is ringing. Is there a phone in the fax room? No! You can see I'm not at my desk, yet you allow the phone to ring, oh 8 times, until I get back to my office and then they hang up. But what really took the cake, Mr. Snot Rocket King! I was in talking to one of the other guys in his office and you passed the biggest, loudest, longest fart I've ever heard. And then you don't even excuse yourself. Were you raised with wolves? You, my dear gross and disgusting person can take the double flip. You are now on my no good, very bad, not worth it side!!!!!..........

Didn't mean to make my double flip off such a big rant. But honestly, I dare any one of you to work with him for a day and see how you feel by the end.

Now, where is that chocolate?

Real Estate Field Trip

Today we are going to go on a real estate field trip. Now I want you all to be good boys and girls, and pick a partner. We don't want anyone getting lost, so hold hands. Are you ready, here we go. The wheels on the bus go...............

The first place we are going to stop is a little out of the way restaurant. (or that's what I'm thinking it is). I think it is kind of Swiss Family Robinson. Love it.

Come on, Bobby, don't pull Susie's hair. Now shush, don't be scared. This building is not for the scaredy pants. Whomever thought up this design must have had something good to smoke, ya know. Now I'm thinking it would be really cool if the tail was a huge slide.

We will call this house, Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind. Du-du-du-du-du. (hand gestures) du-du-du-du-dududu-da-dududu. Oops, got carried away there.

Do you think if you worked in this building you would become a Basket Case?

Wait, what is that sound. It sounds like a mighty huge boulder falling down that mountain. Kids, get out of the way. Oh My Gosh. Hope everyone is ok.

Do you see what I see?? Joey, no you can not try to look through them. Geez.

This is your captain speaking. You will find the bathroom facilities to the rear of the plane. Honestly, I want to see the inside of this one.

ET call home. Elliot, stop hiding.

Do you think they just didn't know what color to paint it? But how easy to give directions. Turn left on Main, go 2 blocks, and look for the multi-colored house. Also wondering what colors they used inside.
I want to trick-or-treat at this one. It is all sorts of awesome. If you own this home, please give Dazee a call.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Dumb & Dumber

The following can either be read or sung to the theme song of the Beverely Hillibilies. aaahhh hmmmm
Sit and read a little story 'bout a car named Dumb
A poor jeep a drivin', must be sitting on his thumb
Then one day he was racin' with another Dumber dude
When on the offramp, they did go, oh my how crude.
Dumb they are, stupid butts, wait and see
Well the first thing you know, ol' Dumbers in the front
When Dumb comes up behind him, almost hit him in the bump(er)
Dazee's right behind them, and oh my what did she see
Right on Dumbers bumper, how's my drivin' seems to be
Bad, she says, Way to slow, Now hurry and go
(and now the song at the end of the show)
Well now its time to say goodbye to Dumber and his friend
And they would like to thank Da-zee, for not honking once again
Because you see the slow pokes like to see how far she'd go
Before she had some road rage, about their going oh so slow
One Eight Hundred, Swear a Spell, Lay on the Horn
Y'all don't come back now, y'hear!!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Oops, I mean Dazee & Pam's. It really felt as tho we were Romy & Michele. But we were cool, just like them.

We get there, go in, go to the "get your name tag" table. Put them on. Notice the ever beautiful culprit. She is the one that twisted my arm so hard to go.

Don't ya love how they fit right nicely over the boob. Oh yeah.

Did the walk around the halls. Checked out the cafeteria where many a food fight was.
Checked out the table of students that have died since we graduated. So, so sad.

Sheila was one of the few people that talked to us. And she had the most grandchildren of all of us that were there. 10. I can't imagine having that many at my young age. :)

As when we were in school, all the "cool" kids sat up front. I have to say, I thought the guys were a lot nicer. And they changed the most. The one dude I had a crush on, yikes, thank goodness nothing ever happened there.

The women were too uppity for my blood. Oh, and this saying was my favorite. "My kids still go here". Oh isn't that nice. They are going to be snobs just like you. Sweet.

Then this girl/woman showed up. Oh she was dressed to the max (even tho it was casual, so I'm in capris), had a fashion purse, and of course, we couldn't put our name tag on top of the boob, we had to put it under the boob. Take a look at her yearbook picture. Then take a look at the other 2. She was the only one there that didn't look as old as the rest of us.
There was a girl that used to live across the street from me. Her parents and my parents are still good friends, even tho my parents have moved. She was walking by, not looking at people, and I called out her name. She got all excited and said she would come back later to "chat" when her husband left. She finally made it back. We were talking. Her cousin went to the same school and just happened to be sitting at my table. I was telling her how I was now the black sheep of my family. She kept asking why. I told her that I just didn't conform to the rest of them, and that I had gotten tattoos. You would have thought I told her that I had been killing people left and right. She turned her back to me and started talking to her cousin and his wife.
Am I glad I went? Yes. Shocker huh. I'm glad because it proved to me that some people just don't change.
Am I glad that I didn't go on a huge "must lose as much weight as possible" diet. Hell to the yes. Because, I would have done it to gain acceptance. I don't need their acceptance. I have my husband, my kids that I love more than life itself, and grandkids that accept me for me. Will I ever go again. No. Even if the culprit tries to force me. I don't need to be around stuffy, I'm too good to talk to you kind of people.
I get enough of that every day.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Getting To Know Me 8.21.10

I'm working on my Reunion post, but to keep you going, and giving you your Dazee Fix, some more crap you really could care less about knowing about me. Plus, I have only come up with one fabulous question for my own meme of What's Your Answer, so I decided to play along with Mannland5, cuz their questions were cool this week. ps, please email me your off the wall, not normal questions to put on my meme. Just click on "contact me" on the top of the page for my email address. If you don't I might just have to enlist the help of the Royal Family to come hurt you.

Getting to know YOU

1. If you could host a Reality TV show, which one would it be?
I'd have to say The Amazing Race because they have to win the thing. No one to vote them out, no one to get into an alliance with. If I were hosting one of the other ones, I'm sure they would not like me by the time it was over because of my say it like it is attitude.

2. Do you put your seatbelt on before or after you start the car?
I put it on before I start the car. Seatbelt, check, glasses, check, swig of water, check, lip gloss, check. Start your engines.

3. Shave or hair removal cream?

4. What's your favorite feature in a house?
My little nook off the master bedroom. It is my relaxing room. Computer, comfy reading chair. aaaahhhh

5. What is your favorite "Fall" scent?
Fresh cool air.

6. What tv show are you looking forward to seeing the most this Fall??
Do you really need to ask. Criminal Minds (hi lover), NCIS, Bones. Need I go on.

7. Personal Shopper or Personal Chef?
Personal Chef all the way.

8. What comes to mind when you think of "Fall"?
Cooler weather, holidays on the way.

Off to bbq some steaks. A bit jealous, aren't you.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I'm Too Sexy For My Cane

Just found this picture on Beach Creeps . Ok, I really didn't "just find" it cuz right now I'm at my High School Reunion.
All I can say is, O.....M......G.....


Show Me Saturday - Pet Peeves

I'm linking up once again with Renee at Renee's Ramblins Show Me Saturday. Today's topic is Pet Peeves. If you have any pet peeves you would like to share, link on up with her. She would love it.

Renee's Ramblings

My first pet peeve of the day is people that think they are so much better than you. You've seen them. They stick their nose up in the air, walk on by, and pretend they didn't even see you. I don't have time for those types of snobs, but, karma. Nuff said.

My next one is people that chew with their mouth open, smacking their lips, showing you all the disgusting crap going on in their mouth. If I wanted to see food, I'd go to Red Lobster. Just sayin.

Snot Rockets. I have just one word for them. Freaking yuk. Ok, that was 2 words, but hey. It's called Kleenex. Use it, and NOT IN MY VICINITY. I can see you outside my window Steve. David Beckham, not so sexy now, is he.

People, especially girls, that look like this and the first word out of their mouth is, I'm so fat. I'd like to take their skinny little bodies and swat them like a fly. I'm fat. I own it. I should go around saying, "I'm so skinny". Hell, I'm just going to go with that answer the next time someone says that to me. (you know I will)

Those are just a few. But for your reading enjoyment, when I just started out in the blogging world, I wrote a couple of posts. You can read my rant about People That Are Scared and my first Pet Peeve Post if you know what's good for you want.

Now, I must get ready for the high school reunion. :)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Friday Flip Off 8.20.10

Welcome, one and all to another round of Friday Flip-Off's, as always brought to us from Gigi at Kludgy Mom. I just found out tho that this week it is being hosted by Pumpkin & Piglet. I guess Gigi thinks she deserves a vacation. Ok, she does. Head on over to Pumpkin and check out the other flips.

I actually was having a rather good week. Nothing much to piss me off. Stop it, I can have weeks like that, geez, you make me feel all bad and stuff.

Wednesday there is this fine email on my Facebook.

(names changed to protect me)

I was talking to (Dickhead Owner of company I got fired from after the buyout) and telling him how I've been wanting to have a party, he told me to DO IT!!!!! So here I am, what do you think? Would it be good to do something this year, maybe 3rd or 4th week in September or should we wait till the spring. I was thinking about a Saturday or Sunday at a park, or if someone has an awesome backyard. Of course, I will need all of your help to spread the word. Please let me know what your thoughts are and I will get going on it. I really think it should be a yearly event. Signed, Another Person that got fired after the buyout.

If I was going to respond, it would go something like this.

Dear Other Person That Got Fired. I would rather poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick, shove a hot coal up my butt, lick the fleas off a homeless dog and pluck one hair at a time off of my body. Do you think I want to go hang out with Mr. Millionaire boss man and his rangy kids. Don't you f-ing realize he sold out the company to the worst company ever, that always "lets people go" in November & December. It's been 10 freaking years!!!! Get over that place. It's not like a family reunion or a high school reunion. It was a PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. I don't take kindly to being "fired". I put in twenty-three f-ing years to that place and that's the how do you do I got. So no, I won't go to your stupid reunion. You all can go kiss his ass. Tell him how wonderful he is and how you miss him as your boss.

I just threw up a little lot in my mouth.

So in honor of your stupid email, and all the stupid idiots that are going to the "reunion" take this. Yup, you are getting the DOUBLE FLIP times 3.

I'm not giving out a big kiss this week. Why you ask? Because I don't want to have something I love on the same page as something I hate.

Another rant off my chest. A great weight has been lifted.

NoTe To SeLf.........

Do Not Kill Fellow Employees
Do Not Want To Share A Cell With Mrs. Bubba

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Fart That Wasn't

I have some truly awesome friends. I was talking to one of them on the phone last night, and before you know it, it was ATTACK OF THE FART

To protect the innocent we will call her Shaquanda. Shaquanda was fixing dinner for her family, cuz she rocks like that. She has 2 boys. Being that she is such an awesome mom, the boys were giving her a bad time. They would go up to her, fart, and then wave the marvelous smell in her face. Yeah, it's a boy thing. I think they teach it in gym class or something. Farting 101.

Not to ever be outdone, Shaquanda decided to give them a taste of their own medicine. LeRoy & Frank, she says, take this.................

Turns around, sticks her butt in their general direction


But, wait, what is that running down her leg? Why are LeRoy and Frank's mouths hitting the floor? Better yet, what is that smell?

OH, MY, GOD. This can't be happening to Shaquanda. She has just pooped her pants in front of her boys. I mean, right....smack.....dab....in.....front......of......her.......boys!

She threatened their lives to not tell a soul. If she ever finds out they have told someone, they are grounded for a year. Her husband gets home from work, she thinks she's in the clear, this is what she hears,

Dad, guess what mom did today?

So much for keeping it on the down low.

Random Smells

Is there some smells that you are too embarrassed to admit that you like? I'm not afraid to admit it. Here are a few of mine.

The smell of a cap gun after shooting it. I like to shoot them, just so I can smell it afterwords. What? Don't you?
The smell of a permanent black marker. I don't know, I just do.

Gasoline. I like to pump my own gas, because I like the smell. I've liked it since I was a wee little girl.

Tobacco Pipe Smoke. Aaahhh, the lost art of smoking a pipe. I love the smell of the tobacco that they use. You just don't smell it much anymore. I didn't even grow up with people who smoked any type of tobacco. I also grew up when smoking was allowed anywhere. I remember standing behind pipe smokers and wanting to just follow them around.
Share your random smells.