Friday, October 11, 2013

Sometimes I Wish My Car Horn Was A Train Horn

If you are like me, you have those days, when there must have been a mass message sent out that read

"All Dumb Drivers Must Drive Today"

In order to clear my brain of such nonsensical drivers, let me tell you about a few that I have had the ULTIMATE PLEASURE of witnessing.  

You find yourself sitting at a red light.  There is only one car in front of you.  The light finally turns green.  Oh goodie, the driver has a "standard" car, aka, you have to shift your own gears.  This is always a scary process anyway.  (as you can tell by some of the contestants on The Amazing Race)  You yell obscenities  kindly at the woman that is driving the car to "GO", or in one of Mr. Dazee's favorites sayings say, "the light is green, it's not going to get any greener, even if you fertilize and water it".   That Mr. Dazee, such a hoot.  You can't understand why she is having such a hard time working the gear shift.  Oh wait, what is that?  Why, she has to take a drag off her cigarette before shifting because it is in her shifting hand.  Yup.  Good thing I didn't say hello to your bumper sister.

You are on the freeway.  There is a pick up truck in front of you.  You are travelling at the posted speed limit of 65.  Ok, you are probably going 70, but whose looking.  Mr. "I'm moving down the road, trying to loosen my load", has left his tailgate down.  This is fine and dandy when there is nothing back there.  But when there is a shovel positioned as shown, and a fish tank, full of water, minus the fish, positioned as shown, it is a scary proposition.  This is the conversation going on in my head.  "Hello, insurance company, yeah, ummm, my car was just hit with a flying fish tank and shovel.  No, I'm not drunk".  Thank goodness he didn't take the same exit that I did!!!

You get a craving for McDonalds.  Admit it, you all do.  You get in line to place your order.  There is a stupid lady in front of you.  She places her order.  She pulls a smidgen forward, not quite far enough for you to get to the speaker.  You hear the fine, lovely, person saying, "welcome to McDonalds, blah blah blah".  You see that the clueless person in front of you has their window open.  You start screaming, "move it lady".  She doesn't move.  You start calling her names.  There is clearly no one in front of her.  The workerbee at McDonalds starts telling you she is sorry, she will be with you in a minute.  When you get to the window to pay, you apologize to her.  She starts laughing and says she totally understands.  
(warning, they can hear everything you are saying in their little headphones when you are at the speakers.  So, ummmm, no naughty talk, wink wink)

We are down to being a one car family.  Our car of choice  is a 1991 GMC Safari Mini van.  We have had it for 25 years.  Hey, it still gets us where we are going.  I am sitting at the light.  Mr. Big Shot Driving A New Lexus Sports Car is in the lane next to me.  The light turns green.  The race is on.  Booyah, 25 year old van wins the Lexus.  Take that Mr. Sunday Driver Dude!!!!

Community mailboxes.  Sometimes they are a pain, but you are less likely to have your mail stolen.  Why is this under the dumb driver category?  I'll tell you why.  Because there are some "I'm the only person in the whole wide world" drivers out there.  They park themselves right in front of the mailbox.  Get out, get their mail, see you driving up, SIT THERE AND GO THROUGH THEIR MAIL, couldn't care less if you would like to get yours, and don't move.  Train Horn............oops, what's that smell.......

Last but certainly not least.  The impatient driver at the 3 way stop.  Rules of "all cars must stop before proceeding".  First person there goes, and so on and so on and so on.  I clearly get there first.  I am halfway thru the intersection.  Car pictured above is sooooo impatient that she pulls out in front of me, barely missing my bumper.  Oooohhhh, you did not just do that missy.  I get as close to her as I can, and give her the finger.  Yeah, I did it........ and I did it the WHOLE time I was following her.  I did find it extremely funny that even tho she was in a big freaking hurry she got behind a big ole dump truck.  Whose the winner now??????

Gotta go now.  I've got places to go and people to honk at......

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

When This...................................

Once upon a time, there was a lowly grocery cart.  We shall call him Stanley.  He was a lovely cart, but was so unhappy that he ran away from home to see if he could make something better out of his life.........

As he was wheeling along, he came to a street corner.  A scary man in a long trench coat yelled out, "hey you, grocery cart, do I have just the thing for you".  

Stanley was intrigued.  He moved closer to the man, when all of the sudden, he was thrown into the back of a van, and whisked away, in the company of other wishful grocery carts.

When next he awoke, he felt different.  The doctor came into the room and asked how he was feeling.  He was told that there had been a horrible accident, and that they had to do some reconstructive surgery.  

Stanley was shocked.  He asked for a mirror to see what they had done.  When he looked at himself in the mirror, he saw

 The doctor began a chilling maniacal laugh.  Bolts of lightning came into the room.  Stanley was so afraid he tried to run.  But his movement was different.

"My name is Doctor Sadist.  I have used my incredible powers to bring pain and suffering upon the sick and afflicted across the land".  

And so began Stanley's new life.  Doctor Sadist had promised many unsuspecting hospitals the cost benefit of his new and improved wheelchair.  In their never ending search for making more profits for their CEO's, the hospitals bought them in droves.   No thought as to how the cold, caged steel would feel upon the weary bodies of those forced required to use them.  

*this is a story by Dazee Dreamer.  no grocery carts where injured in the process of this story*

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Where The Heck Have I Been???????

I stay away, I come back, I stay away, I come back.  I'm always keeping you guessing.  Finally I have something more exciting than talking about my job hunting to talk about.

As you might have read here, I ended up in the emergency room in March.  FINALLY, I was able to get in to see a specialist.  Lets count on our fingers how long from March 22, to July 29th is.  April....May.....June.....July.  Yup, that would be four fingers err months.  But whatever.

I went to my appointment and he set me up for a liver biopsy.  Now I've heard good things and bad things about these.  Yesterday was the big day.

I am going to discuss a few things that I found out about myself and hospitals.

First, if you get a awesome staff of nurses, your experience is going to be great.  Mine was.  Even Mr. Dazee mentioned how fun they were.  Nurse number one was assigned to get my IV started.  I happened to mention to him that they usually have a really hard time finding veins or whatever it is they stick into.  I also mentioned the ever loving words that they love to hear, 'THEY ALSO ROLL'.  I think I scared him.  He stuck it in the place that he found after almost having to amputate my arm from the tourniquet.  He stuck the needle in, found the vein, and yes, say it with me, the sucker rolled.  He then did the "lets see if I move the needle a smidge this way, or that way, we will catch it again".  No dice.  Call over to Mr. Nurse that will be going into the procedure with me.  

This guy was hilarious.  I noticed that he had a cool tat on his arm with an eye in the middle of it.  I mentioned that I guess it meant he could always keep an eye on his patients.  I then brought up the fact that when I saw the doctor the week before, when he asked where I got my tattoos, he didn't find it funny when I told him "PRISON".  The eye tattoo nurse said, "hey, that's where I got mine too, that and my education".  hahahahaha.  Ok, maybe you had to be there.  But it was funny.  

Anystickmyarmwithaneedle, he brings with him a portable ultrasound machine.  What the heck?   He needed to look into my arm with the machine to find a suitable vein.  He must have used a hulk size needle, because, well, when he finally got that sucker in, I thought I was going straight to the pain ward.  wow.  I wish the other nurse had found my vein.  He wasn't hurting me.

Female nurse describes to me what the procedure is going to be like.  Something about the needle will be about as big around as the ink thingy in a ball point pen.  I will hear a SNAP, and that is when they have taken a piece of the liver.  They will then pull out a piece that looks like a I need to give you a second to swallow the barf?


So, female nurse continues to tell me all about the drugs they will be shooting into my IV.  One if for pain, one is like Valium, one was something else.  All I remember is her saying something about, it has an agent in it that gives you a temporary amnesia.  What the?  Alright then.

Finally it is time to go into the procedure room.  First thing they do is put the icky nose oxygen thing in my nose.  Those things are buggy.  And I'm not talking about the bugs named boogers.  Then they turn on the oxygen.  I thought that was supposed to be kind of cold.  Oh no, it was warm, as in, WHAT THE HECK warm, made me want to sneeze.  Me no likey.  

The doctor comes in.  They get me ready, The next thing I remember is hearing the S.N.A.P.   They take it over to the petri dish and look at it.  I was scared they were going to have to take another piece.  But alas, they got what they needed.  

It wasn't until last night that I thought, wow, that amnesia thingy really worked.  Because I know I was awake throughout it all, but I have no recollection of them sticking the needle in me.  du-du-du-du.

And that my friends, is what is up in my world.  Coming up next week, endoscopy to see if I have any varicies, little enlarged veins in my throat, which will happen if your liver is enlarged.  

I know, everything you wanted to know about the human body but were afraid to ask.

Carry on.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Oh What Do You Do In The Summertime?

Oh what do you do in the summertime,
when all the world is green,
Do you lay in the pool to keep yourself cool
Or swing in a tree, up H....I.....G.....H.....
Is this what you do?
So do I,ah,I,ah,Iiiiiiiiii

Aaaahhhh, the sweet memories of being little.  Singing that song at the top of our lungs.  Never really feeling the heat.  
But alas, you get older and feel the heat.  Just sayin'.

So, I thought today we would take a little field trip of sorts.  Summertime fun.  

I love slides.  Except when it is so freaking hot outside that you burn your legs because someone thought that making slides out of metal was such a glorious idea.  NOT.    Here are some really cool slides that I found while looking.

(Dazee, Dazee)  Look, this one is just calling my name.  

Where oh where were play areas like this when I was growing up???? 

I want to get a job at this place.  (Heck, I just want a job) 

This one is by the doctors office that I take my mom to.  Really, Mr. Dazee has got to do this at the next house we buy.

OK, on to the pools.

Yeah, me likey

Do you think Mr. Dazee would be up for doing this landscape design?
(minus the tennis court, honey, I do I have my limits)

Second Honeymoon, hint hint 

Dreaming time is over, here is our idea of summer fun.  Slide and pool all in one.  

I must now go put on as few as clothes as possible.  
They are saying about 105 today, cooling down to maybe 97 tomorrow.  Hahahaha, cooling down.  Good one weather people, good one.