Watch Out I'm Back With A Vengeance

Today one of my dear friends said this to me after I told her that I've been depressed for awhile, and is missing the funny in me.

Grab the back of your granny panties.. yank hard.. and pull yourself out of this freaking depression.. and get your ass back to writing funny...

that's an official order child!

She loves me.  No really, she does. 

Not only am I back with a vengeance, but I'm going to give you the ABS's of what's been on my mind.  Keep your arms and legs inside because you might be in for a bumpy ride.

Anger

Yeah, I've been super angry.  Angry that I was fired.  Angry that no one seems to want to hire me.  Well you know what.  Too bad, so sad.  Every single person out there that doesn't want to have anything to do with my fabulous skills can just jump off a cliff.

Boobies

Yeah, my boobs do not like bra's.  They squeeze them together and make me sweat.  You have no boobies, well aren't you just so lucky.  It really makes me wonder if people with "fake girls" ever have "boiling boobies".  Hey, its a legitimate question.

Construction

The never ending, drive me crazy, get the freaking roads done already, construction.  

Destructive People

You know, those, gee, I'm so bored right now, lets go down that neighborhood and bust in their car windows.  What planet do these nuttjobs come from.

Eardrums

My eardrums have been itching like crazy lately.  Now, what does that mean?  I think its something like, "if your ears are itching, someone is talking about you".  Ok, fess up, who are you?  Are you talking about giving me lots of money.  I sure hope so, I could use it.  Christmas is on its way you know.

Facebook

I like facebook.  I put awesome status's.  But apparently I don't have the "friend" base that others have because, well, I could say something like "I was walking across the street, and fell flat on my face".  No comments.  We could care less.  But then I see other people that make a comment like, "I ate frosting for breakfast" and they get 20 comments.   Yeah, I'm jealous, ok.  BIG FAT OLE JEALOUSY is showing its teeth.

Group Sex

hahahahaha, not really,  I was just making sure you were still reading.

Hot Dogs

I'm craving a big ole gas station hot dog, smothered in ketchup and mustard, grilled onions,  and sauerkraut. 

Invalid Words

Words with friends and their stupid, that is not an acceptable word.  Really, who is in charge of your dictionary. 

Just Rewards

Some people are really going to get them.  When the karma bus shows up with me driving.  Yeah, you better beware.

Klutz

That would be me.  I am the biggest klutz butt there is.  I honestly can hear the furniture laughing at me when I trip or fall.  

Laughter

Ok, I have it.  I just haven't been using it much.  Except for when my brother was in the hospital, then I was constantly trying to crack him up.  Do you think that when I die, they would play "Another One Bites The Dust".  It would be A.W.E.S.O.M.E.   Oh, get over yourself, it would be funny.  Admit it.

Matching With Friends

I'm pissed at Zynga right now.  Matching with Friends is by far my favorite game going right now, but they think that only those that have and iPhone, iPad, or iPod, should be able to play it.  They must have been paid rather well to keep it from all my friends (ok, a few of my friends, we already determined I don't have that many) that have androids.  I say, revolt.  Starting sending emails to Zynga.  I triple dog dare you.  And yes, remember, I am the email queen so I have sent one off to them.

Nurses

Ok, most of them are the best thing ever.  But I have to bring up the nurse that my daughter-in-law had the day she was induced.  She almost got body slammed against the wall by me.  She was in no hurry to boost up the pitocin.  She outright told my daughter-in-law that labor doesn't start until you would come to the hospital with the pain.  Oh really, that drug is putting you in pain.  I've had it.  I know.  Reminded me of the nurse I had when I had back surgery who decided to walk clear around my bed, and clear back with the throw up catcher when I said I was going to barf.  Should have just barfed all over her.  

Oranges

They have to be sweet.  Nuff said

Pleasing Others

I'm the type of person that feels like they have to always please other people.  Most the time this is good.  But sometimes it is just wrong.  Sometimes I really want to say things on my blog that I don't because I don't want to offend anyone.  This is going to change.  I'm going to say what I want to say, and use the words I want to use.  I won't go over the top, but I'm just warning you.

Quaker Oatmeal

I love the peaches and cream instant oatmeal.  Just add some coffee creamer to it and voila, a real treat.  Plus super easy to make if you have a Keurig.  Just don't put in a K-cup, and let the boiling water rip.  You're welcome.

Rotten Attitudes

Do not, I repeat, do not, bring your rotten attitude to the grocery store with you.  We all have the right to be buying groceries.  I get tired of negativity all the time.  Stay away.  I will take a picture of you with my camera for all the world to see.  Be scared.  Be very scared.

Swearing

I swear.  I can keep up with the best of the best.  I am worse than you have ever read on here.  I'm still a good person.  

Telemarketers

Leave me alone.  Don't even pretend to be reading my blog and wanting me to buy something from you.   You are banished forever!!!!

Underwear

I put on my big girl panties today, gave myself a good wedgie, and told myself to get over it.  Somehow, somewhere, when I least expect it, someone will just jump out and say, YOU'RE HIRED.

Victory

And when I do get that job, victory will be mine.  And also my future employers.  Who will love me.  And wonder what they ever did without me.  

Weight

I'm still trying to lose, but I'm not going to give up the sweet stuff.  If you don't want to like me because I don't look like some skinny actress, too bad.  You are the loser.

X-Rays

Did you see Christopher on Project Runway who used his mom's x-ray for his material.  I thought that rocked.  Also, I so didn't want Demitri to win.  

Yell

I'm sure when I get a new job, you will hear me yelling.  Yes no matter how far you live from me.  You will know

Zumba

I think if I would ever try this the class would be laughing hysterically at me.   Besides, every time I try to do something crazy like that, I'm asked to please stop.  It apparently hurts peoples eyes.  As if.....

You know, this has been a great thing for me to do.  Wait, are you still reading?  Gluttons for punishment, I can tell.