Wednesday, July 27, 2011

When Automated Phone Systems Go Bad

I can't stand automated phone systems, heretofore to be known as APS.  Honestly, they drive me nuts.  I had the "conversation" from hell last night.  

Dazee:  *fingers dialing customer service number*
APS:  Thank you for calling XYZ company.  
Si usted desea escuchar esta en espanol, pulse numero dos.
(disclaimer, I just went to the english to spanish translator on the internet, don't give me crap if this is wrong)
Dazee:  waiting, waiting.
APS:  Ok, before we get started, tell me the reason you are calling
Dazee:  Customer Service
APS:  I'm sorry, I didn't understand that.
Let's try this again.
You can say, recent history, or press 1
Account balance, or press 2
Add to account, or press 3
Technical support, or press 4
Dazee:  Customer Service please
APS:  I'm sorry, I didn't understand, lets try again,
blah, blah, blah, or blah
APS:  I'm sorry, since you won't answer my question, I'm hanging up.
Dazee:  What the %^&*!!!!!!!
Dazee:  *fingers madly dialing phone number*
Repeat process
APS:  I'm sorry, since you won't answer my question, I'm hanging up.
Dazee:  Well you freaking piece of shit garbage, I'm going to hunt you down and hurt you.
Dazee:  *Dialing for the 3rd time, ready for a fight*
APS:  blah, blah, blah
Dazee:  *pushing number 3*  (just because, don't judge)
APS:  Ok, so you want to know who shot the sheriff, press 1 for yes and 2 for no.
Dazee:  *presses 2*
Going through the process yet again.
APS:  I'm sorry, since I couldn't help you, I will forward you to a real, live, breathing body, and if you are lucky it will be a voice you can understand.
Dazee:  About freaking time, you rat.
APS:  This call may be monitored for security or training purposes.
Dazee:  Good, cuz I'm super pissed and I'm going to hurt someone.
Real Live Person:  Blah, blah, blah.  
Dazee:  I can't get this to do that
RLP:  Let's do this and this.  Is that working?
Dazee:  Yes, thank you.  Can I make a complaint while I'm on the phone:
RLP:  Of course.
Dazee:  Your automated phone system is a piece of shit garbage and wouldn't let me tell it, Customer Service, Real Person, Give me a real freaking person now (yes, I said that once, but not the nice "freaking" word)
And then, APS told me that since I WOULDN'T ANSWER HER QUESTION, SHE WAS HANGING UP.  Twice!!!!!
RLP:  We just barely changed to a new automated phone system this week.  (just my luck)  I've been getting complaints all week about this problem.  We are trying to get technical support to take care of it as fast as possible.  
Dazee:  Well, that's good, because I was about to cause major mayhem.

Really, if you have to have those aggravating piece of crap phones systems, have a freaking option that says,

Going to my happy place

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