Friday, April 30, 2010

Lost in the Shuffle

First of all, I want you all to know, that I love my mom and dad. This post has nothing to do with any hate towards them. I do not harbor hate. Just trying to understand.

In my Honest Scrap post, I mentioned that I was the 2nd of 9 kids. Therefore there were times that I was left to fend for myself. Thinking about it today, dredged up a lot of things that have bothered me.

One of the things from my childhood that I don't understand is having to go in and sign myself up for swimming lessons at the local YMCA. My mom drove me there and dropped me off. I wasn't that old. Like I said, my long term memory sucks. I so wish I had my hubby's brain. I know it was before middle school (or Jr. High as it was called in the olden days). so I had to be 10 to 12. Anyway, I went into the YMCA and had to sign myself up for swimming. I remember filling out the card, and it came to the question sex. I had no idea what to put there. I vaguely remember asking someone what that meant. Little did I know that I just needed to put F for female. But the question really is, why did I have to go sign myself up for swimming lessons at such a young age? Probably because mom had to go do something else with one of the "younger" kids.

We moved from Colorado to Utah the middle of my 8th grade year. So many kids to get registered into new schools. For some reason, I guess it was important that we all do it on the same day. I don't understand this. My older sister was in her first year of high school, I was in the 8th grade, and the rest of the kids were in elementary school. How do we all go to a new school, on the same day, and get all registered. Lucky me, my uncle got to take me to get registered.

The beginning of my 9th grade year, we were in another school. What did I have to do? I had to go to the Junior High and go to the office by myself. I don't even think I had the right paperwork to transfer from one school to another. I didn't know what I was doing, didn't know how to answer their questions. I just know I was there by myself. Again, no adult there to help me.

Today I was thinking about it all. I'm wondering if this is the reason that I have a problem even going to the grocery store by myself. Or any kind of shopping. I know that as my kids were growing up, I would always, it seems like now, beg them to go places with me. I don't understand how people are content to be alone when they go out. I can't see someone eating at a restaurant by themselves without feeling sorry for them. And I know there are some of you out there that even go to movies by yourself. OMG, that would totally be the end of me. I'll wait for it to come out on video before I'll go by myself, thank you very much.

My hubby is the greatest. Every week we do the grocery shopping together. I love spending the time with him. Little does he know, that he is helping me with my insecurities. Well, until now, when he reads my post :).


  1. That would be hard to have to grow up SO fast. And yes, I remember going with you to the Albertsons in Sandy and you were friends with all the check out ladies. I remember thinking that my mom was the coolest mom ever because she had so many friends. I did though, even at a young age, know how hard it was for you to go somewhere by yourself. YOU HATED IT!! This totally makes sense to me now.

    Sometimes I wonder if I harbor over my kids too much. I seem to always hold their hand and help them with everything! I want to be able to teach them independence, but at the same time they are still so young. I need to be there for them as their gaurdian right now. Slowly helping them be independent with age...and all kids are different. I have a feeling I'll be holding Lauren's hand helping her for a longer period. Ava will just smile and wave goodbye to me, and won't care as much! Anyways, you were a 'Lauren' personality born into a big family. And you were forced to grow up fast. That would be uncomfortable.

    And I'm always here if you need someone to go grocery shopping with. :) Even though I know dad is always by your side each Saturday. Just in case he needs a break. :)

  2. Thanks. That means alot. Just makes me understand myself a lot more to put it into words.

  3. Its amazing how when you put thoughts and feelings into words how clear the picture becomes. I've had to figure out a lot of my own insecurities. 8 years ago I was falling apart and a friend was very frustrated with me because I wasn't sharing what was going on with me. I told him that I simply can't get the words out of my mouth, that I don't know "how" to talk. So he told me... then you better write it down on paper. The very next thing he said was - and when you are done with that, you fold it up, put it in an envelope, and then you give it to me. YIKES! Well even thought it was scary thats exactly what I did and to this day I still do it. I have understood so much by writing it down
    Thank you for sharing because it helps me make sense of stuff too!

  4. Dazee, It is so interesting for me to hear stories from children of large families as I am an only child. I would have been completely smoothered had my mother not been an only child herself. I remember our home being so quiet and boring that I'd daydream about having a sibling. I swore I'd never have just one child. (I have 2!)

    I am so sorry you had to grow up so quickly, and thank you for giving me this new perspective.

  5. Dazee, I sympathize with this in many ways. Apart from the 8 sibs part (I only had 2) I lived your life. I went grocery shopping, alone, by the time I was 8 years old. And before they passed that godsend of a law that you had to be 18 to buy cigarettes, I had to go into stores all over the place to buy them for my mother. They passed that law when I was 6. Can you IMAGINE a 5-year old buying cigarettes?? So I can say with absolute sincerity that I'm with you! =) *hugs* I'm glad to be able to say that I've been a much better parent to my kids than my parents ever were to me, and I'm quite sure you have been too. =) I'm sorry you had to endure that kind of childhood...I know it made mine a misery. But I'm unlike you in that I actually prefer to do most things alone. That loner mentality I had as a kid probably saved me more grief than I already had, so I'm grateful for it in that regard. I'm happy for you that your hubby is so amazing and will go shopping with you! I can't get mine to go anywhere with me. =) Thank you for sharing!!

  6. Mary. That is really cool that your friend had you do that. I have found that I've doing this blog has been very cathardic for me. It's kind of scary that I've been so open about it.

    Angie. Some of my siblings thrive on the big, huge family. I don't. I never wanted a large family. I have a friend that was an only child and I was always so jealous of her. I can see how it goes both ways. Thanks for giving me a new perspective also.

    Janet. You story is soooo sad. I can not even imagine having to go to the store and buying cigarettes for my mom at such a young age. It is really hard for me to even think about being a loner. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy some "me" time, but that is only when I'm at home reading and doing the things I want to do. But I understand having to get that survivor mentality. Thank you so much for your comment.

  7. I love how honest you are. You are such an inspiration to me! I am so grateful to be able to call you my friend and get to know you all these years later. How I wish we could have connected a long time ago and could have been there for each other earlier in our lives. :( I enjoy reading your posts! Keep 'em comin'! Love you!

  8. SOrry you had to grow up quickly and do things on your own.

    I'll gladly go shopping with you any time...Can you swing by and pick me up? :)

  9. Sure Renee, I'll be there in say, 72 hours. :)

  10. Wow. I never saw you as an insecure person who hated doing things alone. I remember the first time I met you on Wellington Street. You just sauntered up and seemed so secure in yourself. I thought your big family was so neat for just the reason you didn't--doing things by yourself. My mom was so insecure in herself and marriage for a variety of reasons that she was always so protective of me when I was young. And maybe that made me into more of a loner personality. I am perfectly happy all by myself (except those times when I'm "antsy" and just HAVE to drive out and see your new house!) And I HATE people going grocery shopping with me. It just means more things finding their way into the cart and my having a heart attack when the checker tells me the total cost. And yes, I sometimes like going to a movie all by myself. I don't like eating in restaurants by myself though, but only because I think people are looking at me with pity. Otherwise I wouldn't have a problem with that either. But if you ever want to go to Taipan, or some other cool place like that, give me a holler. I'm there. The grocery store? Take your sweet hubby or daughter. hehe
    On a serious note? I admire your courage in writing about this. You are awesome.

  11. Thanks Pam. Funny how we were both jealous of each others families.

  12. You know my friends and I have this conversation alot! When we were growing up thats how many parents did, they didnt go to events like we do and would just drop you off and drive away? I would never dream of doing that, I still go with my college athlete to register and he graduates Sat. lol Im not sure if they didnt know better, didnt believe in coddling, or just didnt want the bother lol Either way, I believe each Generation has gotten better ,so if nothing else maybe Ive helped end the cycle of non-nurturing?!